Here is something I did not fully understand going into my son’s engagement. I assumed the mother of the groom rehearsal dinner was mine. Not in a demanding way, not in a controlling way, just in the way that water flows downhill. In the South, that is how it has always been done. The groom’s mother handles the rehearsal dinner, everybody knows that. And it was the one thing I could point to and say, that is my job, that is my contribution, that is where I get to show up and do something that matters.
And then the location changed.
So I had to figure some things out. And I wish someone had told me a few of them before any of that happened.
The Rehearsal Dinner Is Not Automatically Yours to Control
I had never been told that. I just assumed it the way you assume things that have always been true in your world. But that is not a rule. It is a tradition, and traditions bend.
The couple may have their own vision. The bride’s family may want to be involved. Your son may have opinions you did not expect. None of that means you are being pushed out. It just means you are not automatically in charge.
And the sooner you make peace with that, the better this whole season is going to go for you.
Your job is not to plan this wedding. Your job is to support your son. Those are two very different things.
What I Wish Someone Had Told Me
I put together a short list. These are the things nobody said out loud before the planning started. I had to learn most of them the hard way.
What I wish someone had told me:
- The rehearsal dinner is not automatically yours to control.
- Your job is to support your son, not plan this wedding. Those are two very different things.
- If you are contributing money, have the conversation before you write the check. A lot of mothers of the groom assume that contributing financially earns them a seat at the planning table. But if that money is a gift, it needs to be given as a gift, with no expectations and no strings attached.
- Let go of the idea that you are on equal footing with the bride’s mother. That does not mean you are less important. It means you have a different job. Do that job well and stop measuring yourself against what she gets to do.
- The relationship is worth more than getting your way. Every time you choose the relationship over your preference, you are making a deposit into something that is going to matter for the rest of your life.
What You Are Actually There to Do
That is the mother of the groom experience, honestly. You plan, something shifts, you adapt, it comes out fine, and you move on to the next thing.
Your son is watching. Your future daughter-in-law is watching. And what they are going to remember is not whether you got your way. They are going to remember how you made them feel during one of the biggest seasons of their lives.
Make it count.
If you want to know more about what the groom’s family is actually responsible for, I wrote about that too. You can read what the groom’s parents are traditionally responsible for and get a clearer picture of where you fit. And if you are trying to sort out everything you need to do on the wedding day itself, the MOG wedding day checklist is a good place to start.
Come find me on the MOG HQ Facebook page. That is where I share things between posts and where a lot of the real conversation happens. I would love to see you over there.
